The holidays can be a great time to reconnect with people we don’t regularly see. While this can bring joy, it can also be challenging. For LGBTQ+ youth and their families, extended friends and family members aren’t always as loving and supportive as we would like them to be.
Setting boundaries to prevent harm, this year more than ever
I’ll be the first to admit that setting boundaries with our families during the holidays is much easier said than done. However, this year in particular might be a good time to do so if you have an LGBTQ+ young person in your family. This year has been particularly challenging for LGBTQ+ young people, as they have had their identities, supports in school and access to health care targeted in a very public and political way. A survey done this year by the Trevor Project found that 90% of LGBTQ+ youth said recent politics and discussion about anti-LGBTQ+ legislation was harmful to their mental health. The Trevor Project also reported that the day after the presidential election, calls, chats and texts to its crisis lines increased 700%.
We don’t want holiday gatherings to be another place where LGBTQ+ young people feel they are the subject of political debate or must defend themselves. As with many things in life, there is no “one size fits all” way to approach gatherings with extended family and friends who are not loving or supportive. But here are a few guiding principles.
1. Be mindful of how we try to protect our LGBTQ+ kids
Often, as parents, we are put in the position of advocating for our children in the settings of larger family gatherings, whether it be asking others to be aware of a child’s food allergy, special medical condition or a life circumstance that feels hard right now. Parents of LGBTQ+ youth often go into “protection mode,” which can look different in different families.
Sometimes parents will tell their LGBTQ+ child or teenager to dress differently, not talk about their identity and/or romantic relationships or use a name or pronouns that have been abandoned. In the name of “protecting” our young family member from the hurtful comments and ignorance of extended family members, we are inadvertently giving the message that to be a part of “our” family, you must hide who you are or change something about yourself. This can be harmful to the identity development and self-esteem of youth of all ages.
Sometimes parents refuse to force their child to be someone other than who they are, so instead they restrict access to family gatherings, declining invitations or avoiding relationships and communication with extended family members who are not supportive. While this gives youth the message that they don’t need to be anyone different for their family, it also reinforces the message that they are not welcome at family gatherings and/or that because of them and their identity, their family is being excluded from holiday participation.
Above all, a young LGBTQ+ person should always know that they are loved, and that they are loved unconditionally not despite who they are, but because of who they are. If others are unable to accept their relationships and identities, it’s because of the other person’s beliefs, not because of the child themself.
2. Start the conversation with family ahead of time
Rather than trying to set up boundaries once a family gathering has already begun, it might help to lay some groundwork ahead of time. You might jump into the family group chat, send an email or pick up the phone and ask for boundaries around what topics are discussed during the gathering. For example, while political conversations can be a lively part of some families’ culture, this year might be a good time to ask that political conversations not end up at the dinner table, happen only among grown-ups or are saved for another time. Even young kids, who we may think don’t understand, are listening and internalizing conversations about their identities and their futures. Bringing a fun family game, playing charades or watching a holiday movie together are all good ways to fill up some of the conversation space.
3. Start the conversation with your young person ahead of time
As much as possible, it’s ideal to include young people in how to handle family gatherings over the holidays, rather than assuming what they may want or need. Rather than skipping holiday gatherings, young people may still want to attend, even if it might be uncomfortable for them. The discomfort may come from their choosing not to share certain details about their lives or identities and/or from showing up as their full selves and dealing with their extended family members’ reactions. Give your child the information and walk through the decision with them.
If your child or teenager would feel more comfortable not attending a large family gathering, discuss what alternative celebrations your family might hold instead and how to communicate this with the larger family. Is it more comfortable to find an excuse for missing out this year that is not about the LGBTQ+ child? Would the young person feel more supported if the parents/family made it explicitly known that they will rejoin larger family gatherings once everyone is able to embrace them as their full self?
4. Do some role playing
If your child would like to attend a family gathering, review some potential pitfalls and how they would like to handle them. What do they want to do if someone uses the wrong name or pronoun? Do they want their parents to step in? Do they want to handle the situation themselves?
Similarly, what kinds of questions or comments might they hear from family members or friends based on what you know about their values and beliefs? Help your child think of/role play responses to potential questions/situations that might arise.
For example, “Grandma may not understand that you are gay and be open to talking about your boyfriend. How would you like to handle it if she asks if you have a girlfriend?” Or “Aunt Kathy may have negative feelings about your new name and pronouns. Would it be more comfortable for you to use your old name and pronouns or to use your new name and pronouns?”
Sometimes it’s hard to think of an answer on the spot so it’s good to come prepared.
5. Other things to discuss
Are there topics your LGBTQ+ young person would like to avoid at a family gathering? What rescue words can you have in place as a cue to change the conversation? How would they like to handle any family missteps or “foot in mouth” moments?
Decide on a signal your child can use if they need your support. Something they can say that indicates, “Help me here!” or “Please help me get out of this conversation.”
Have an exit plan. Decide on a signal that means it’s time to go. Reinforce that your child does not have to tolerate hurtful comments or behavior, even from family members. Sometimes the best laid plans don’t work out. If you think it’s going to be OK, and then it turns out that it is not, it’s OK to change your mind and leave.
6. More resources
Here are some additional resources to learn more about how to support your LGBTQ+ family member during the holidays and at other extended family gatherings:
LGBTQ+ Students Share Advice for Getting Through the Holidays with Non-Affirming Family | GLSEN
Tips for LGBTQ+ Students Going Home for the Holidays | SUNY Geneseo
How To Support Our LGBTQIA+ Youth This Holiday Season (parents.com)
From my family to yours, I wish you a joyful and loving close to 2024 and am sending you all strength, safety and solidarity in the new year.
Chief education officer and medical director of the Gender Health program
Dr. Kade Goepferd, (they/them), is the chief education officer, pediatrician and medical director of the Gender Health program at Children’s Minnesota. Dr. Goepferd is an advocate for advancing equitable health care for all children – including trans and gender-diverse youth. They have been named a Top Doctor by both Minneapolis/St. Paul Magazine and Minnesota Monthly for the last several years and gave their first TED talk, “The Revolutionary Truth about Kids and Gender Identity” at TEDx Minneapolis in 2020.
