Every year in October, we celebrate “National Coming Out Day” for the LGBTQ+ community. “Coming out,” as many of you know, is the term for someone who acknowledges, and often shares, their LGBTQ+ identity with others.
Why is “coming out” important? For many reasons, but particularly because for LGBTQ+ youth, visibility matters. According to a recent Trevor project poll, 89% of LGBTQ+ young people reported that seeing LGBTQ+ representation makes them feel better about being LGBTQ+.
It’s good to remember that while coming out is important, it’s also very personal and always up to the individual to share their identity. While you might be excited for your teenager, family member or friend and want to celebrate their identity, who they share it with and how is always up to them. Every LGBTQ+ person will decide when the time is right and safe for them to talk openly about their identity.
Being “out,” or not, doesn’t make someone’s sexual or gender identity more or less valid. It’s important that as parents, teachers, friends, neighbors and allies, we intentionally work to invite LGBTQ+ folx to “come in.” The more welcome and comfortable young people feel, the more they will share the beauty of their full selves with us.
This year, I have invited one of the co-chairs of the Children’s Minnesota PRIDE Employee Resource Group (ERG), Justin Nelson-Deering, to share a bit about his coming out journey with us.
Justin Nelson-Deering’s words:
My name is Justin Nelson-Deering and I use he/him pronouns. I am humbled and honored to talk about the importance of coming out; the importance of this day and my experience.
Not everyone grows up in the same environment and will have the same coming out story, the same experience, or even come out during the same season of life. For me, I had a feeling at a young age (probably around my early teens) that I identified as gay. Unfortunately, even living in the Twin Cities metro area I felt unaccepted, like there was something wrong with me and that if I came out, I would be hated and never be able to be loved by family and friends or find a partner. This is a tremendous weight to have to feel, especially as a young person who is just trying to figure out who they are and what they want to be; then add the feeling that their own self-identity is not valued.
For me, a lot of what contributed to this was how I perceived family would value me, messages I was getting from my (at the time) church, as well as messages or statements from peers. Growing up in the ’80s was tough! Later in life, I would learn I had many more peers and classmates who not only struggled with their identity but would eventually come out to me!
So, when did I come out? I think I was in my early 20s — certainly by 21! I was on my way to Rhode Island with a dear and trusted colleague and told her I was “seeing someone.” She gave me space and time and I told her about the guy I was dating and that I wanted to tell people and come out. She was amazing and supportive and so proud of me.
Now, those reading this who know me won’t be surprised at how I told the important people in my world. I sent an email and also posted on this “novel” social media site that was gaining popularity called Facebook. You might be asking why this way? Because I struggle when I tell people a message and see one reaction on their face, and then hear something different in their tone of voice. Away the message went! I left all my technology in my room (I was definitely rocking a Blackberry) and my colleague and I headed out for some beverages so I could decompress.
I was shocked, surprised, gobsmacked at the POSITIVE response from my parents, my aunts and uncles, friends and more. Don’t get me wrong, things aren’t always rainbows and unicorns! As I have gotten older people have come and gone from my life. I have been unfairly harassed when I am “out, loud and proud” with some hateful comments. But I realize we all deserve to be loved and respected!
And that is why I have decided to use my voice: from blog posts, standing up to bullies, doing my best to educate, being privileged to lead our amazing PRIDE ERG at Children’s Minnesota and most importantly, being unafraid to be a voice for the voiceless. Children’s Minnesota had a saying during a turbulent time when it was challenging a business decision by an insurer. It was “Stand Tall for Small,” in reference to our amazing patients! Now I use this saying for anyone that feels they are small and insignificant in the world just because of who they are.
We come to the end of this long post with some final thoughts. NEVER be ashamed of who you are! We all have lessons to learn. Even in writing this post I have learned more about myself as I navigate a challenging time in my life after unfairly judging one of the people I love the most. It doesn’t make me right or wrong; it makes me human.
Make sure, as you navigate your own journeys in life, that you bring the humanity; be humble, be kind, be caring. But most of all, share the love you have for the people in your world no matter who they are, who they tell you they are and who they want to be.
Happy National Coming Out Day. You be you!
Chief education officer and medical director of the Gender Health program
Dr. Kade Goepferd, (they/them), is the chief education officer, pediatrician and medical director of the Gender Health program at Children’s Minnesota. Dr. Goepferd is an advocate for advancing equitable health care for all children – including trans and gender-diverse youth. They have been named a Top Doctor by both Minneapolis/St. Paul Magazine and Minnesota Monthly for the last several years and gave their first TED talk, “The Revolutionary Truth about Kids and Gender Identity” at TEDx Minneapolis in 2020.
